I was just 17…

I was just 17.

I went for a walk this morning with my dog Larkin like I always do, at least 3-4 times a day now, since we have been confined to our homes for over a month. I was feeling very lethargic and like I just did not want to be outside, but I went anyway.  

I had been wondering for several weeks now how can I help in a situation like this? This was on my mind on this morning. I continued, walking down the street checking out all the cracks in the sidewalk like I usually do. I saw the curvature on the one block that I have seen probably 100 times by now from the tree that was dug out a while ago never to return. I saw the same muddy spots, buildings on the side, and rocks in the road. I tend to look down a lot because of Larkin. I am usually talking to her or trying to steer her in the most opportune places for her to go in case she decides to relieve herself. So, I tend to notice the cracks in the sidewalk alot. As I was crossing the street feeling my malaise coursing through my body and noticing how foggy it was outside which only added to my discontent, I came upon a spillage of shiny pennies laying in the middle of the street. I was in awe of the number of pennies and quickly became excited to say the least. Wow, I thought to myself, this must be a gift because all of a sudden, I started to feel a little bit better gazing upon the shiny pennies in the street. You know I felt like it was a sign.  Like it was my ancestors talking to me.  I felt as though my mom was right there.   She has been gone for 30 years now and I feel like it was just yesterday that she left.  Now since we are all in this quarantine period, I have no distractions, I have nothing to take my attention from a deep darkness that still resides within me.  I am no longer attached to anyone or anything that will distract me from the current moment. Meaning, I have no phone calls or text messages coming from my kids or clients, I have no appointments to get to, I have no requirements or requests for errands to run, and I have nothing pressing that needs to get done which would distract me from what’s truly going on within me.

So, there I was, walking Larkin, stopped in the middle of a street and lingering above the shiny copper pennies that laid in the road feeling this subtle excitement like a piece of me was waking up as I came upon my new treasure.  I cannot explain it, but I had the urge to bend down in the middle of the busy road with Larkin attached to me and reach for all the pennies and scoop them up one by one.  So, with each of my 3 fingers on my right hand I picked up each individual penny and placed them in my left hand while carefully making sure I held on to Larkin’s leash. Of course, I was worried that somebody would make a turn on to the street and not see me crouched down or Larkin because of the dense fog, so I did this as quickly as I could in order to make sure we frankly didn’t get hit by a car. As I pick them up, I thought to myself, I wonder how many pennies are in my hand and as I counted them, I notice there were 17.  17 pennies in my hand.  What is this message? I began to think, wondering if there could be a connection. I crossed the road and continued to walk on with 17 pennies in my left-hand and Larkin in my right. I thought, I wonder what does 17 mean to me? I also wondered what am I going to do with 17 shiny copper pennies? Clearly there was no need for me to keep 17 pennies so as I contemplated what the number meant and continued to walk on, I decided that I would scatter these pennies with kindness on my usual route.  As I walked on, I began noticing many things within myself.  I felt unsettled, angry, fearful and tired. Even though these 17 pennies made me feel a little bit better I still felt all of this within my body. It was showing up as sensations of just general tiredness. An unexplained desire to just go back to bed. But I kept on, I kept walking, I kept walking Larkin, and I decided to drop every one of my pennies along my route dispersing them in different areas hoping that the next people that would come along would find joy in finding their new lucky penny.

I began to imagine the little kid on the sidewalk picking up a shiny piece of luck, pressing it in his pocket, and putting a smile on his face. I saw the woman walking along just like me and finding a penny and she too would know it carried a reminder for her to remember.   

Then I remembered what was happening when I was 17. I had just finished my junior year of high school my mom had just died from cancer, my brother had entered a mental institution for a schizophrenic break that he had while attending Ivy League, and my Dad had avoided all contact with me due to his own struggles with alcohol.  I was living with a family who loved me dearly but felt very uneasy and displaced. I was around people but felt all alone. I was a teenager without the skills or the understanding that what I was going through was valid and completely justified. It was an exceedingly difficult time for me. I had a place to live but felt homeless. I had people who loved me but felt abandoned. I had people that encouraged me to go on but felt very discouraged. All the feelings of insecurity, remorse abandonment, unworthiness, and depression came rushing back during this one walk that I had been on by now over 100 times. Right then and right there I was 17 again feeling and sensing the tightness in my throat, the leakage in my eyes, and the stuffiness within my nose. As I kept walking, I kept releasing. I was releasing years of anger and anguish and self-doubt and unworthiness and sadness over a time in my life when the world felt like a very unsafe place to be. I didn’t care if people saw the tears in my eyes or witnessed a passing woman’s anguish in the city streets.  I finally felt justified and the pennies helped.  With each penny that I dropped, I had positive feelings of new life, new sensations, and new smiles and laughter. It was as if I was releasing sadness that had still remained with an understanding resolve for the positive vibes that eventually return with every penny that I dropped. With every tear that I shed it felt difficult and good at the same time.

I share this with you just to share a piece of me and my history.  I share the possibility that maybe there is a piece of all of us that is going through all of this a little differently because we all have different backgrounds, different histories, different perspectives ourselves.  WE never know what filters may be on our lens of reality maybe making our true vision a little harder to truly see with the eyes that we originally had before all of this took place.  I share the possibility that this time that we are all going through together is more than just a time to carry on and get through until things get back to normal. To me, in my perspective, it feels like a time when everything is permanently changing. Normal will not be the same.   It never is when you go through something like this and especially when we collectively go through something like this. It changes us in a way that cannot be explained with words but can only be sensed within our bodies, our hearts. I know that with every unresolved memory that comes up for me during this time I learn to resolve and release them because I have done this all many times before. I’ve lived through a lot of crisis more than I can put in words in this essay. What I do want to offer is encouragement, understanding, peace, love, compassion and kindness for everyone going through hardship for everyone missing out on something for everyone having a tough time.  I get it.  I may not fully understand what you’re going through, I never will.   I do understand that this can be a particularly hard time for many in so many different ways I just want you to know I hear you I understand and I’m here for you with what I can offer… a friendship, a possible understanding, and the possibility that maybe I can help. So here’s what I’d like to offer…

I would like to offer a donation based Intuitive Clearing Session to anyone who would like to energetically work on any issue having to do with emotional pain, sadness, stress, anxiety, fear or trauma.  I have training ranging from reiki mastership to craniosacral therapy to ancestral clearing with John Newton to zen shiatsu.   I am an Occupational Therapist who has worked through much of my own trauma in many life experiences and with my own lineage and family.  I have numerous years of experience.  I enjoy working from teens to adults.  Just respond to this email and we can schedule our session.  All sessions are done over the phone or through a web format most comfortable for you. 

I would also like to offer the 28 Days of Conscious Intuitive Living again. I will be beginning this on Monday May 4th.  This is a 4-week program of intensive healing work that delivers audio recordings and email writeups to your inbox every morning.  This is a huge undertaking for me and one I am willing to share. I will be redoing this once again.  In order to honor those that have been a part of this program in the past the price will remain the same but two things will differ:

-1- If you choose to be a part of the program you receive an opportunity to be a part of it as many times as you like for the same amount. Also, if you have done this program before you are free to begin again for no charge.

-2- If it is too much to pay the full amount, contact me.  We will work out a way for you to get on the program that is good and right for your resources at this time.   

Lastly, I would like to offer a new class for everyone to be a part of… Meridians, Movement, Breath, and Forgiveness This will be an on-line class…with the interest I will offer classes to help release and resolve ancestor and lineage long held beliefs within the body in order to help with your own healing for today.  This will be donation based. 

I need to hear from you and your interest in any of the above.  I can only go on with any of these programs if the people come. 

My heart wants as many people as possible to receive. I honestly believe that everyone has their gifts their abilities in their own way to help our current situation. I would like to be a part of helping.   

Please contact me if you have any interest at all.  Let us connect… even if it is to chat. Thanks for listening thanks for actually reading this entire passage. It means a lot to me. 

Who knows, maybe you are feeling ‘17’ too. 

Love,

Jennifer

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