When I was 16 years old I left my body. I was so confused as a teenager, so underdeveloped and so unexperienced with life. I ran away from myself and sought refuge in others. Always trying to find myself within another. Always trying to seek ‘who am I?’ in the world around me. The eternal question remained, “Who am I?” It didn’t matter what kind of background or circumstances I came from and how these had an effect on me. These were just the triggers linking me back to one burning question, “Who am I?”
Am I the mistakes of the ancestors that came before me? Am I responsible for the chaos and the confusion that I see in the world? Was it anyone else’s fault that I lost myself? What was I here to learn? To become? To grow from? Why did I feel so empty inside? Why did I feel lost no matter where I went and who I encountered I eventually came back to this one ungrounded sensation within my body…. A deeply unresolved feeling that something was not right.
I had plenty of things to blame it on… an abusive alcoholic father, a mother who died of cancer, a schizophrenic brother, a controlling lineage that felt cut off from trusting the world. And was it the world that they were seeking to put their trust in or was it something greater?
I turned to religion for a while…always seeking that eternal emptiness… I turned to relationships…wondering if I could find solace in another… I turned to groups to see if I fit in… I turned to money… I turned to food… to alcohol… to the addiction of being the best at whatever I do and become… and what did I always return to after I had seen it all, done it all, become it all?
It all began right here… within my own heart. Nothing wrong with me, the me within me, at all. There was nothing ever wrong with me… and the seeking always left me where I remained… seeking.
I did this for a VERY, VERY long time. Through motherhood, through career choices, through relationship choices. Until a pivotal crisis took place within me. I just broke down… and stopped doing. I stopped doing everything out there to become more, to fill the void I felt deep within me… that stood for nothing else but the love that I was seeking within myself. I couldn’t find it in someone or something else. All I could do is be still and know once more… who I was… Love.
It shows up time and time again until you realize and begin to understand that the things repeating in our life and show up in different forms happen on all different scales on purpose… to help you become more of you… untethered and in love with your self first, then in love with life, so that you could compassionately give back love to the world. No boundaries, no separation and yet untethered and unattached and perfectly compassionate and full of love all at the same time.
It’s a soul lesson for all of us. It is the eternal bliss we are seeking. It’s a oneness a unity and a soul’s purpose that we all have a drive within us to know more, to become more, to be the light.
Light knows no boundaries. It just is. It infiltrates effortlessly into the darkness and grows brighter as we pay attention to it more and more. It just shines. It knows nothing else.
Even when it is covered up… it still remains… it’s there… it doesn’t go away.
Now that I have experienced everything that I have experienced, done everything that I have done, and finally become my truth… I can honestly say that all the heartache, lonely times, hurts and wrongs that I did to others and were done to myself… was worth it all. I now know.
We are all light. Light bodies learning how to become lighter. And its funny you know… the answer is simple… we are already this.
The funny and curious things that happen on a day-to-day basis are eternally all driving us back to the same basic question… how will this experience help me shine my light for others to do the same? How will I be of service in a way that gives to the universe and helps others become more of their own light by just being mine?
It’s simple… experience it all, sense it all, embrace it all, forgive and release it all, and then do it again, anyway.
Just accept, just be, just become, just allow, and just know… light always shines through. We can’t contain our light… only cover it up.
A sheet can’t cover up the darkness… a light is the only thing that can help us truly see the wisdom behind everything that is happening around us and within us… it’s all a mystery until we one day ask ourselves… how can I serve and become more in this world?
We can all serve in different ways. I can serve to help my children become the best versions of themselves… untethered to the process and allowing them to have their own experiences. I can serve with clients helping them to shine a light on every item that comes to them desiring to be attended to. I can serve through just becoming more of myself and compassionately helping others through the career choices that I make.
Ask yourself today, how can I shine more, become more, elevate more, see more clearly so that this world shines more, becomes more, elevates more, and sees more clearly? Not from my eternal perspective but from the good of all and everyone else’s version of reality they decide to exist in.
So, today… I feel a return, a return to me… which means I can give more to you. My hope? For you to return to you, to become more for you, so that you can give more.
If anything at all, at least the light that shines brightly from within all of us can bond together and form one shining unit to shine on the rest of the world so that everyone can wake up to their own bliss and rest in the knowing that seeking to control anything has no cause. Being to know eternally is the everything we were always seeking to become. Just be that, and then we will have the answer to the great mystery at the root of us all, “Who I Am.”
This month we have several upcoming events that will answer “Who I am”…
An exciting announcement… after long overdue… I AM announcing Winwood Retreat Center – Consciously Bringing People Back Together.
SAVE THE DATE: Tuesdays in Lake Forest, Beginning October 11th…
Continuing this month…
KUNDALINI at two locations Black Cat Libertyville and Trillium Yoga in Grayslake with Joti Tajdeep Kaur (that’s me!)
Master Healing Sessions at MainStreet Wellness, Black Cat Yoga or Winwood Retreats – Scheduled upon Request –